Government of Canada FAQ #3

And here’s one more from this page. I was originally going to do them in order, but screw that.

How do I get information about what I can and cannot bring home with me after travelling outside Canada?

What you can bring home after travelling outside Canada:

• A suntan
• A well-thumbed guide book
• Several hundred badly composed and/or blurred digital photographs
• Leftover banknotes in interesting large denominations with faces of people you don’t know on them
• Dirty laundry
• Blank sheets of hotel stationery, which you will toss in a drawer and forget about
• Tacky souvenirs, which you will toss in the drawer next to the stationery
• A really impressive hangover

What you will bring home after travelling outside Canada, whether you like it or not:

• Interesting non-local viruses, which you can share with your family and friends
• A depleted bank account
• A traumatized digestive system
• Sleep debt
• The realization that vacations aren’t always as much fun as you hoped

What you cannot bring home after travelling outside Canada:

• Slaves
• Lizards
• Macaques
• Overripe fruit
• Marijuana – Canada is a serious, work-focused country, and has no time for weed-induced frivolity. Besides, Stephen Harper will put you in prison for life if he catches you with bud on your person.
• Too many stories about how wonderful the weather was, lest your pale co-workers decide to band together and kill you

Government of Canada FAQ #2

(This continues the ongoing series of answers to questions on this page. Warning: fact-free.)

How do I get information on financial benefit programs?

Jenkins?

Yes, sir?

You may be wondering why I asked you to step into my office.

You’re not planning on right-sizing me, are you, sir?

Heavens no, Jenkins. You’re just the young man I am looking for. You see… I have never had a son of my own, owing to an accident involving the misfire of a small howitzer during wartime basic training. So I am looking for someone to follow in my footsteps, to serve as a repository for my hard-won wisdom, to become my legacy when I am gone. I want you to be that person, Jenkins.

I am deeply honoured, sir. But I have to ask… are there any strings attached?

What do you mean?

I mean – what do you want from me in return, sir?

Nothing, other than… to like me.

Like you, sir?

Yes, to like me. Nobody really likes me, Jenkins. During the course of my business career, I have had to make tough decisions that have adversely affected the lives of thousands of people. It’s not something I wanted to do, but something that I had to do. But that means that I have made enemies. Dozens and dozens of enemies. And not one friend. Will you be my friend, Jenkins?

No, sir. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Oh, well. It never hurts to ask. Here, have a boxed pen set. I’ve got dozens of them. Now get back to work.

 

Blue Jays 2011: Colby Rasmus

When you think about it, what does a major league manager do to earn all that salary? It can’t be the strategy: most major league strategies are fairly obvious, and detailed record keeping can help with more subtle details such as defensive positioning. It can’t be roster management, either: it’s not that hard to figure out to rest your regulars every now and then. And even managing a pitching staff is something that any reasonably knowledgeable fan could handle: most managers leave their starters in until they’ve thrown a little over 100 pitches or they’ve given up a bunch of hits, whichever comes first. Managers don’t earn their money doing that.

The only possible justification for paying a large sum of money to a manager is for his ability to get the best out of the players who play for him. Colby Rasmus is an example: he’s a rare talent – someone who can play an above-average centre field while hitting for above-average power – but he’s rumoured to be difficult to get along with (fairly or unfairly). If Farrell can get him and the rest of the team to perform at their best, he will have earned his salary.

Government of Canada FAQ #1

As a writing exercise, I decided for fun to try to answer the Government of Canada’s 25 most frequently asked questions. Warning: answers may be content-free and/or humour-free.

How do I start a business?

For Phil, the simple act of walking home from school required the sort of bravery that is normally only found in soldiers who are trapped in trenches that are under heavy mortar fire.

It wasn’t because he was likely to be beaten up. He had learned that bruises heal after a day or two, and that even the most aggressive of the bullies in his Park Shore neighbourhood would stop short of breaking bones or smashing in teeth. After all, that was the sort of thing that wound up on one’s permanent record.

No, Phil feared the emotional and social humiliation of walking home. He was aware that if the students of Park Shore High School were ranked from coolest to nerdiest, he would rank 705th out of 706. Number 706 was Elbert Hummel, who had fallen deeply in love with Mrs. Granderson, his 53-year-old English teacher. But Elbert was so thin, so tiny and so cerebral that he didn’t really count as a teenager – he was an adult in all but size and age. So Phil was considered the school’s unofficial Head Nerd, and those he passed on his way home did not hesitate to repeatedly remind him of that fact. His shame was almost too much to bear.

Some day, I’m going to show them all, thought Phil, as he scrubbed the mud and gobber off of his pants and erased the rude words from the covers of his notebooks. That resolve, and the collection of electronics textbooks he checked out of the school library on term loan, were the beginnings of what would become the 14th largest fortune in North America.