Government of Canada FAQ #3

And here’s one more from this page. I was originally going to do them in order, but screw that.

How do I get information about what I can and cannot bring home with me after travelling outside Canada?

What you can bring home after travelling outside Canada:

• A suntan
• A well-thumbed guide book
• Several hundred badly composed and/or blurred digital photographs
• Leftover banknotes in interesting large denominations with faces of people you don’t know on them
• Dirty laundry
• Blank sheets of hotel stationery, which you will toss in a drawer and forget about
• Tacky souvenirs, which you will toss in the drawer next to the stationery
• A really impressive hangover

What you will bring home after travelling outside Canada, whether you like it or not:

• Interesting non-local viruses, which you can share with your family and friends
• A depleted bank account
• A traumatized digestive system
• Sleep debt
• The realization that vacations aren’t always as much fun as you hoped

What you cannot bring home after travelling outside Canada:

• Slaves
• Lizards
• Macaques
• Overripe fruit
• Marijuana – Canada is a serious, work-focused country, and has no time for weed-induced frivolity. Besides, Stephen Harper will put you in prison for life if he catches you with bud on your person.
• Too many stories about how wonderful the weather was, lest your pale co-workers decide to band together and kill you

Government of Canada FAQ #2

(This continues the ongoing series of answers to questions on this page. Warning: fact-free.)

How do I get information on financial benefit programs?

Jenkins?

Yes, sir?

You may be wondering why I asked you to step into my office.

You’re not planning on right-sizing me, are you, sir?

Heavens no, Jenkins. You’re just the young man I am looking for. You see… I have never had a son of my own, owing to an accident involving the misfire of a small howitzer during wartime basic training. So I am looking for someone to follow in my footsteps, to serve as a repository for my hard-won wisdom, to become my legacy when I am gone. I want you to be that person, Jenkins.

I am deeply honoured, sir. But I have to ask… are there any strings attached?

What do you mean?

I mean – what do you want from me in return, sir?

Nothing, other than… to like me.

Like you, sir?

Yes, to like me. Nobody really likes me, Jenkins. During the course of my business career, I have had to make tough decisions that have adversely affected the lives of thousands of people. It’s not something I wanted to do, but something that I had to do. But that means that I have made enemies. Dozens and dozens of enemies. And not one friend. Will you be my friend, Jenkins?

No, sir. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Oh, well. It never hurts to ask. Here, have a boxed pen set. I’ve got dozens of them. Now get back to work.