How do I get information on travelling in Canada and abroad?
Herein, a handy guide. Warning: excessive use of regional stereotyping ahead.
British Columbia
Principal features: rain, Stanley Park, recreational drug users, daffodils in February, expensive housing, rain, bad traffic, the Canucks, rioters, mountains, the ocean, rain, nude beaches, rain, rain, drizzle, rain
What not to say:
- “Hi! I’m from Toronto!”
- “You guys are all hippies, aren’t you?”
- “Can I borrow your umbrella?”
Alberta
Principal features: oil, cattle, climate change deniers, Conservatives, a cool mayor
What not to say:
- “Hi! I’m from Toronto!”
- “You guys are all rednecks, aren’t you?”
- “Can you direct me to the local Liberal Party headquarters?”
Saskatchewan
Principal features: wheat, flatness, cold, drought, curling rinks
What not to say:
- “Hi! I might or might not be from Toronto.”
- “Okay, so this is Moose Jaw. Where is the rest of the moose?”
- “Why buy anything here? There’s no sales tax in Alberta.”
Manitoba
Principal features: biting flies and mosquitoes, wind chill, one or more members of The Guess Who
What not to say:
- “Hi! I’m from some unspecified location in Southern Ontario.”
- “Admit it – you guys aren’t really westerners.”
- “Which one are you – Bachman, Turner, or Overdrive?”
Ontario
Principal features: a dying economy, metrosexuals, fat cat bankers, the world’s largest freestanding structure (and his brother Doug), lots of stuff other than Toronto for chrissakes they think they’re the centre of the universe ooh it makes me mad I need to lie down now
What not to say:
- If not in Toronto: “Hi! I’m from Toronto!”
- If in Toronto: “Hi! I’m from Scarborough!”
- If in Scarborough: my sincerest sympathies
Quebec
Principal features: poutine, French-speaking people, Bonhomme, latent separatists, more fun than you are having right now
What not to say:
- “Bonjour! Je habite en Toronto!”
- Anything in English
- Anything in French, unless you’re one of the 43 anglophones in Canada who can speak it
New Brunswick
Principal features: none whatsoever – well, okay, Magnetic Hill
What not to say:
- “Hi! I’m from Ontario.”
- “Your province is boring.”
- “Is there an Old Brunswick?”
Nova Scotia
Principal features: fish, tides, Stanfield’s underwear
What not to say:
- “Hi! I’m a repetitive joke that has gone somewhat stale.”
- “I have trouble telling the Maritime provinces apart. Can you guys wear name tags or something?”
Prince Edward Island
Principal features: red dirt, Anne of Green Gables
What not to say:
- Anything about red dirt or Anne of Green Gables
Newfoundland:
Principal features: rocks, air force bases, hidden Nazi war gold, the odd Viking or two
What not to say:
- “Where’s the bye that builds the boat?”
- “I have this great joke to tell you.”
- “The world will end at 9:00 tonight, or 9:30 in Newfoundland. Har har.”
Nunavut and/or Yukon and/or Northwest Territories
Principal features: scenery, cold, black flies the size of house pets, oil spills
What not to say:
- “Can you carve a walrus for me?”
- “I would like to run a pipeline through your property.”
- “It’s colder than a [insert cliche about something very cold, possibly related to witch's nipples] outside.”
Abroad
Principal features: foreigners
What not to say:
- “Can I have vinegar on my fries?”
- “I am from the same country as Justin Bieber!”
- “We whipped your ass in the War of 1812. Care for a rematch?”
