Sneezing and elevators

10 05 2010

When I become All-World Dictator, the first thing I’m going to do is eliminate artificial fragrances. (Actually, I tell a lie. It’s the second thing I will do. The first thing is order the disbandment of the New York Yankees.)

The problem is that scents make me sneeze. Frequently and loudly. (I once silenced a mall. It was awesome.)  So doing the laundry in a public laundromat is a bit of a crapshoot for me – every now and again, I put a load of laundry in a machine that was last used by somebody who washed with a heavily scented detergent, which pretty much contaminates my entire room. And I once had to change seats at work because they put me next to a woman who liked to wear a lot of perfume. I lasted until about 11 that morning and then, eyes watering, begged to be allowed to move.

I’m also allergic to lawn grass, about half of the world’s supply of trees and molds, penicillin, dogs, cats, and especially house dust. I have to wear a dust mask if I clean my closet, or I’ll be wheezing for three days afterwards, and I can’t wear clothes if they have been hanging up for more than a few weeks, as the accumulated dust will set me off. I like antique things, but I can never go into an antique shop, or spend too much time looking at old books and papers – too much dust. (Poor me – cue the violins!) I am well adapted to my urban environment.

On a totally unrelated topic: what percentage of DOOR CLOSE buttons in elevators actually work? I seem to recall reading that at least some of these buttons are there purely for cosmetic purposes, to give the elevator passenger the illusion of control. And some elevators that have working buttons use pictograms instead of words to describe their function, presumably so that non-English speakers can use them; however, by the time I have figured out which set of arrows is pointing outward and which set is pointing inward, the door is invariably starting to close.

To commemorate International Monty Python Status Day on Facebook, the Song Of The Day is Monty Python’s “Philosopher’s Song”. Let’s see if I can type this from memory:

Emmanuel Kant was a real piss-ant, he was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who would drink you under the table
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlagel
There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach about the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
John Stuart Mill of his own free will after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato, they say, could put it away, half a dram of whisky every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a beggar for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart, I drink therefore I am
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed

(Faster) A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he’s pissed

Now let me look it up to see what I got wrong: Bruces’ Philosophy Song Lyrics tells me that my only mistake was that it’s “half a crate of whisky”, not “half a dram of whisky”. And it’s apparently “think you under the table”, not “drink you under the table”, though I dispute this. Other than that, I seem to have gotten it right. Perhaps I need a life.




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